Happy New Year!
I posted here a grand total of two times in 2017. Obviously, it was not a great year for my writing – at least from a non-Facebook-posting perspective. I did, however, do a ton of reading.
I probably read more this past year than I have in a long time, and a great deal of that was related to current events – news and commentary – along with splashes of fiction and sports. For the first few months of the year (and the last few of 2016), I was even actively buying newspapers every Sunday. My lifestyle and habits aren’t as conducive to reading a physical newspaper as I would like them to be, but for about six months I tried to make it a weekly thing.
I enjoyed the physical aspects of unfolding and reading through a newspaper. I appreciated being more connected to local news, reading local opinions, and so on. But I work a lot of Sundays, and after a while my relationship with the newspaper wasn’t working out: I would buy one early in the morning on my way to work, and it would sit on the back seat of my car for two or three days, and then it would be old news and eventually get thrown away. After a month or so of this, I came to the realization that I was wasting my money, so I stopped buying them. I did not, however, stop reading.
Most of the news that I read is online and on my phone. I’ve been a heavy blog reader for a long time, and I still am, although my sources are different than they were years ago (in the Google Reader days). I follow some news reporters, some finance people, some sports writers, and some gaming-related content creators on Twitter, and also share posts with friends on Facebook. Ultimately, Twitter is where I get the majority of my news nowadays, although I also subscribe to the New York Times and Washington Post, and I do use their apps frequently. I still use the Feedly app to read blogs more “traditionally,” but not anywhere near as much as before.
I’ve also become one of those people who reads so much in the way of news, blogs, and other online content that book-reading has completely fallen off. I don’t think I finished a single book in 2017, which bothers me on some level. With that in mind, I got a library card a couple of months ago and can now borrow books on my iPad, so I’m hoping to make use of that in 2018.
Much of this year has been spent reading and learning, in light of the current political and cultural situations in America. I find that I am going through a process of learning about myself, and hopefully becoming a better person as a part of that. As such, in light of the semi-regrets expressed above about not reading books, I definitely feel that I progressed and matured as a person in 2017, with the help of many men and women who wrote thought-provoking material last year.
I haven’t made any concrete resolutions this year. I get a lot of value from learning about both myself and the world around me, and working to better myself, and that doesn’t really fit within the confines of a 365-day period for me right now. I may take up a project or two in 2018, but I’ll get to those as the inspiration (or necessity) hits me. I did a lot of good work in 2017, and I’ll build on that this year, and we’ll see how it goes.
Anyway, this is purely a post that came about spontaneously. I started writing it less than a half-hour ago, and it was fun. I hope you are all safe and well, and wish you a healthy, peaceful, and productive 2018!
The title of this post is ridiculous on a personal level: if there is one thing I have been doing less of since my last post – 31 months ago! – sleeping is that thing. For the purposes of this blog and blogging in general, however, it is appropriate for the moment.
I want to begin blogging again, and perhaps this post is my new beginning in that sense. What I don’t know is whether I will continue to blog here at Dischordant Forms or elsewhere. I’m less fond of the name than I was several years ago when I started the blog, and I also feel separated – by time, circumstance, and perspective – from the writing I did then.
I am not entirely out of practice, mind you. I have had another blog for several years, and while that one is also currently neglected, I’ve continued to post there irregularly (and as recently as this past summer). Additionally, over the past several seasons I have pounded out more than a handful of unfinished drafts for this place. Dissatisfaction, for one reason or another, has consigned those posts to purgatory.
What do I want out of my blog?
I want to write. I want to have a modicum of discipline about it. I want to have the satisfaction that comes from building a body of thoughts and expressions that I can refer back to.
I’m a person who likes to put boundaries around certain things that I do. Consequently, when I begin a post, I generally do not consider it finished until it contains most of my thoughts on the subject, in an acceptable form and logic. (These posts can end up being 1500-2500 words.) If it doesn’t meet that standard, the entire post then goes into the purgatory file, never to be revisited again.
Add in job demands, time management issues, and laziness, and I’ve got no blog posts to speak of!
As I’ve gotten to this place today, I’ve come to appreciate, to some extent, my learning experience writing brief comments on Facebook this past year. Twitter, Facebook, and other social media tend to be perfect for reacting to things, for better or otherwise. I’ve experienced that myself, particularly with respect to the 2016 Presidential election. Many times, I clicked the “What’s on your mind?” box on Facebook and created a reaction-based comment, considered it for a while, and then either scrapped it entirely, or came up with something more concise and thoughtful before clicking “Post.”
What I learned over time was that it’s okay to pre-edit or modify your post, and to not post your entire thought if it is not something that you feel you are expressing in a way that satisfies you. In other words, while I may still scrap many things, I can still post abbreviated versions of ideas that are begging to come out of me, without requiring that it be a treatise first.
So, are shorter posts the answer to my blogging issues? Possibly, partially.
Ultimately, I don’t know that the name of my blog really matters, or that what I wrote in the past matters either. This post is for Dischordant Forms, and we’ll see where it heads from there. Thanks for reading, and Happy New Year!
Today, Ted Wells of the law firm of Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison LLP released the firm’s findings on the Jonathan Martin-Richie Incognito bullying case in a report commissioned by the NFL on behalf of the Miami Dolphins on November 6, 2013. The report is available in its entirety at nfldolphinsreport.com. It is a difficult read, to say the least.
In his introduction, Wells notes that they interviewed every then-current player and coach on the Dolphins, as well as the management team (including owner Stephen Ross and former-GM Jeff Ireland), for a total of over 100 interviews. In the course of his investigation, he had the privilege of wading through a mountain of vulgar text messages, voice mail messages, and testimony, and while every player was cooperative, he did face hostility to his endeavors from the head athletic trainer.
His findings include, in general: that Martin was certainly subjected to textbook workplace bullying, led by Incognito and abetted by fellow linemen John Jerry and Mike Pouncey; that another young lineman was subjected to constant homophobic bullying by the three; that an assistant trainer – who is of Asian descent – was repeatedly and mercilessly bullied about his heritage; and that the Dolphins’ management and Head Coach Joe Philbin were not aware of the bullying.
I’m not going to recap Wells’ entire report; it contains great detail about his findings. However, I will say that if one were to make judgments based solely on what’s been available via various media over the past few months, and then make comments such as this one made to Peter King about “the pussyfication of this country” without actually reading the Executive Summary (pages 9-49), one would be making such comments (and underlying judgments) having only skimmed the surface.
(Yes, I know that is a gross understatement.)
There are a few impressions that I want to share with respect to the report.
On the vulgarity:
The scope of vulgarity is eye-opening and cringe-worthy. Abuse ranged from race-baiting to disgusting taunts about having sex with Martin’s mother and/or sister (and explicit comments about their genitals), as well as implied sexual preferences of the victims. Other transgressions included aggressive, inappropriate touching, particularly in the case of the lineman who took a great deal of abuse about his supposed sexuality.
I am being general here; the report is full of specific examples of violent verbal abuse along with physical and mental abuse.
On being trapped:
Wells consulted a psychologist, William H. Berman, Ph.D., who is “an expert in matters relating to workplace dynamics, interaction and culture and interpersonal dysfunction within workplace relationships,” who concluded that what happened in the case of Jonathan Martin was consistent with an abusive workplace relationship.
Martin was drafted by Miami in 2012, made the team, and started all 16 regular season games on the offensive line for the Dolphins that season, along with the first seven of the 2013 season before he hit his boiling point and left the team. He was obviously valuable to the team – and he obviously wanted to be there, to play football, and to contribute – but he did not have a chance to choose his team or his teammates. As such, in such an abusive environment, he made attempts to alleviate the situation by attempting to befriend his abusers/fellow line-mates, in a manner that is described in the report as a classic response to one who is victimized this way and for whom it is not within his nature to simply retaliate with violence.
Without physical “eye-for-an-eye” retaliation, Martin used what he had in his personal repertoire, which ranged from attempted friendship to responses of “fuck you,” to deal with the constant abuse. Like many victims of bullying, he had little other recourse that made sense in order for him to remain playing football for the Dolphins. He didn’t feel that he could report the abuse – evident in the pressure put on him by his o-line teammates to not be a “Judas” or a snitch – nor could he just quit the team. It was not a part of his nature to fight his persecutor whenever he reached a boiling point. It’s apparent from the report that he tried to fit in several times, which often backfired on him.
He was trapped. He couldn’t “break the code” and talk to someone in authority. He couldn’t simply go to a different team, because the Dolphins own his rights (and he is under contract). He couldn’t be like the others. He couldn’t reason with his abusers. He considered suicide. Something had to give, and since the torrent of abuse did not abate, it ended up being Martin leaving the team.
On how this reflects on certain people:
What this report means for Jonathan Martin’s future in the NFL remains to be seen. I have a bad feeling that this will be another of those situations where nobody – not even his former Stanford coach, Jim Harbaugh (49ers), who testified that Martin was a tough, prepared, and sound player at Stanford who fit in just fine in the locker room – will give him another chance to play in the NFL. I hope this isn’t the case; in any event, we’ll see.
One thing the report does is expose the questionable mindsets and deplorable actions of several people on the team and in the organization, including:
- Richie Incognito – to quote Mike Florio at Pro Football Talk: “That sound you hear in the distance could be the evaporation of any team’s potential interest in Richie Incognito.”
- Mike Pouncey and John Jerry (fellow linemen) – both come out of this looking like total assholes. If you need more evidence, read the report.
- Jim Turner (Dolphins offensive line coach) – according to the investigation, Turner was aware of the constant homophobic taunts made to the young lineman mentioned above: for Christmas 2012, he gave all of the linemen gift bags, which included a female blowup doll; except for the young lineman, to whom he gave a male blowup doll. Upon being questioned, he “couldn’t remember” it happening, which the investigators found was not credible. His repeated attempts to get Martin to lie about Incognito’s behavior shortly after the scandal surfaced were also certainly not commendable.
- Kevin O’Neill (Dolphins head trainer) – laughed at several of the racist insults thrown at the assistant trainer mentioned above, did not intervene or defend his subordinate, and grew hostile (and apparently terminated the conversation) when he was interviewed for the investigation.
I was appalled reading the report. It would be virtually impossible (without drastic, demonstrable personal changes on their parts) for me to ever be a Richie Incognito, Mike Pouncey, or John Jerry fan after doing so.
However, I’m curious to see how the NFL, the Dolphins, and other teams respond to the report, and how (if at all) things change in NFL locker rooms. Hopefully, positive changes will be made toward making the league more accommodating to players (and employees) of different races, cultures, sexual orientation, and personalities, providing them with a reasonably safer working environment.
* * *
For several days, the single-subject, college-ruled notebook that I bought back in September has been whispering my name. I bought it at Target before a trip to visit my parents, wrote in it a few times while I was there, and brought it back with me. Since then, it has been neglected; covered by an increasingly precarious stack of CDs.
For a while, I didn’t even know where it was, but at some point along the way it revealed itself to me, and started catching my eye. From time to time, I would return its stare for a moment, but I generally ignored its attempts at attention.
I don’t have anything against that notebook. However, it was buried under a bunch of CDs, and it was something that I would have to leave my chair to retrieve. I didn’t feel like getting up, or moving all of those the CDs.
After a while, I began to wonder why I didn’t just get up and get it. It began to be a “thing” between myself and this notebook. It wanted me to uncover it, open it, write in it. I resisted the urge for a while… but for what reason? The contents therein will never be published, nobody will see it. Nobody cares what I write in it. So why was this such a difficult thing for me?
I think the answers to this question are many, but the two main ones that come to mind are 1) some embarrassment about – and frustration with – my own penmanship and 2) my misplaced belief that most of what I write will be of no consequence.
These aren’t rational ideas to cling to, but they’re a part of my personality, and always have been.
My mom has beautiful penmanship. I’ve always admired her handwriting, which is easy to read and very consistent. None of my siblings can write as neatly as she does, but I’ve seen her sisters’ handwriting in greeting cards, and one or two of them have a similar quality and style. I’ve always wished that I could write like they do, but I simply can’t.
My handwriting is not pure cursive, but a combination of cursive and single letters. I mix cursive letters with certain printed letters, such as ‘k’ and ‘b’ at the beginnings of words, and capital letters like ‘Q’ and ‘L’ and ‘I’ (among others). However, sometimes I use a cursive capital ‘I,’ although I tend to try to avoid doing so, because my upper-case ‘I’ ends up looking like a lower-case cursive ‘L.’ I’ve never been truly consistent; I think that what I use depends on my mood and the situation.
Regardless, if I sit down to write – a letter, for instance, or a journal entry – I can start out with decent penmanship, but that has a tendency to disintegrate into slurred words as my hand struggles with the task of keeping up with my brain. Of course, when I go back later to read what I wrote, I find myself faced with the prospect of figuring out which words and sentences I had intended to write, but which came out as mostly illegible waste. This has been discouraging for me, and in these instances I’ve generally tended to retreat back to the comfort of typing.
And the notebook has fallen by the wayside for an indefinite period of time, again and again.
As for the issue of content… this may sound stupid, but I feel as if there is a significant portion of my brain that has no idea how to journal. I have all these hangups about whether I’m journaling properly, whether what I’m writing is boring or pathetic, how it looks when I correct a mistake, and how much more difficult it is to write clearly and fluidly by hand when you’re a) out of practice and b) used to the instant-edit lifestyle that is blogging (and typing in general).
Looking at that last paragraph, these ideas seem mostly irrational. Regardless, they’re real hangups that I’ve always struggled with. Fortunately, they haven’t managed to permanently kill my desire to journal: it lies in wait, in some part of my brain, waiting for me to feel that itch again.
Getting back into it
On Thursday night at 11:55pm, after several staredowns between this notebook and me, I relented. I stood up, extracted the notebook from beneath the stack of CDs and whatnot, and covered the front and back of a page with my increasingly erratic handwriting. I wrote about my struggles with journaling and penmanship, and made note of some things that I can do to improve my experience, such as making some writing space for myself. I have this slight hope that writing more frequently will result in better handwriting quality if I make that a priority.
I used to write a lot of letters. In the age of blogs and email and mobile phones and social media, the letter is a somewhat rare and ancient phenomenon, and I’m amazed when I think about how often I used to churn out pages upon pages worth of letters every month, and how long ago it was that I stopped doing that regularly. But the letter doesn’t have to die out, and neither does the journal. There are millions of people who still journal and/or write letters, and that includes my mother*, so I’m not revolutionizing anything by doing this, other than a part of my own lifestyle. I just know that, over the past several years, my habits have changed with technology, for better or for worse**.
*By the way, her handwriting is still consistently high-quality. I find her ability to journal and to write so well and so consistently to be inspirational, and am glad to have that inspiration in my life.
**Blogging has been a major “for better” part of this equation, of course.
This notebook is, as I said at the top, a single subject notebook. It has 70 pages, several of which are already used. But that’s okay. As I contemplated my inner desire to get more involved in hand-writing on a more regular basis, I made plans to buy a larger notebook. However, I’ve decided not to waste this one. If I can fill the remaining 60-odd pages in this notebook, I will buy myself another one, along with a better pen. Those will be my material rewards for doing something that is almost certain to have, more importantly, mental and spiritual benefits.
It’s a good time to start – or revive – a good habit or two. Hopefully, I can make this one of them.
* * *
Thanks for reading this post. In addition to the internal “urge to write” and the external “notebook staring me down” influences, this post was inspired in part by the following article:
* * *
“And so our story begins…”
Fable II (2008)
– – –
After months of hesitation and indecision, I recently decided to reactivate Dischordant Forms. While I’ve chosen to go ahead with this, I don’t have a great idea as to how it will go. I didn’t even have a first post (except this reintroduction) ready to go, but then Lou Reed passed away, and I decided to share some thoughts on that last week. The two posts I wrote ended up preempting – and upstaging – this one, in a big way.
All I can say is… wow. Many thanks to Cheri Lucas Rowlands, who liked those posts and Freshly Pressed the second one. The result has been that I got more views, reads, likes, follows, and comments from that post than from anything I’d ever previously posted here! I’ve been blogging at WordPress in one one shape or another for over four years, never once daring to hope I could have the privilege of being Freshly Pressed, and the feedback has been awesome! Thanks to everyone who read and commented and so on – I can’t begin to express how fun it has been seeing everyone.
One of the great things about being viewed so many times is that I’ve been introduced to a bunch of great blogs in return. I’ve checked out many of the bloggers whose names have shown up in my Notifications tab, and that’s been fun as well. My reader is growing, and I couldn’t be happier about it!
At any rate, I started this post before Lou Reed passed, and so here it is, edited slightly in light of the fact that it’s now almost two weeks old…
– – –
Although I already have a (different) blog, I occasionally struggle with the topical constraints inherent in a topic-specific blog. From time to time, I feel the urge to write about a topic that doesn’t fit within the confines of that blog’s content. Usually, that potential post is never realized, sits rotting in the Draft folder, or is soon trashed. Additionally, there have been several instances recently where I’ve refrained from voicing opinions on that blog (or its corresponding Twitter account) out of a desire to “not rock the boat” within the community that that blog is a part of. This blog, being entirely separated from that one, represents an opportunity to speak my mind without reservation, outside that community.
While I’m technically reactivating an old blog after more than twenty months of dormancy, I plan on going about it differently – in essence, treating it in some ways as if it’s a new blog. And by that, I mean that, unlike my previous blogs, I’m not promising myself, or anyone else, anything.
Furthermore, I’m not chasing anything this time. In this incarnation of Dischordant Forms, I’m going to eschew certain methods I’ve usually used to promote my posts and “rack up page views.” With experience, I’ve learned that attempting to emulate certain aspects of others’ blogs, or otherwise trying to make this blog appear cooler than it really is – things I’ve done poorly in the past – ultimately leaves me feeling dissatisfied.
In the past, I’ve taken to Twitter and Facebook to spread the word, but I don’t think I’ll be doing this with Dischordant Forms, at least for the time being. I’m also not going to pretend I’m some decent photographer, since I’m not; this doesn’t mean there will be no photos, but I won’t be bludgeoning readers with expansive sets of recent photos. I’m going without Tag and Category clouds, extensive blog rolls, Recent Comment feeds, and other such widgets. I’ve changed the layout and look of the blog to be much more sparse and basic than it was before. The aesthetic will likely be a living work-in-progress, but I’d ultimately like to keep extraneous information from overwhelming the sidebar.
There are probably few, if any, outside my family who remember this blog from the old days, and I don’t have a problem with that. In fact, it’s actually a good thing in the context of reawakening the blog after so long and treating it as a new one. There are a couple of reasons for doing this / feeling this way:
- I really like the blog’s name. I’m also generally bad at naming things, so, with that in mind, this one seems to be a keeper. But…
- I would like a lot of what I wrote in the past to be forgotten.
In mid-2012, I set the entire blog to “private,” and left it so until July of this year. During that time, whenever I revisited it, I found myself dismayed by many of my posts. For a while, I accepted that as something akin to “not liking the sound of one’s own voice,” but more recently I’ve come to understand that many of my posts were simply filler, and/or just poorly written or otherwise flawed, which is why I found myself dissatisfied with them, and with the blog as a whole. As such, over the past several days I’ve re-revisited almost all of them, setting roughly half of them to “private” – which is why it now looks like it’s been two years since I posted last, prior to last week’s posts.
In the process of looking over those old posts, I discovered several “I’m in a rut” posts that detailed my struggles to blog consistently with quality and diversity of topic. Interspersed with these were several articles about sports – most of which I’ve hidden for either lack of substance or poor reasoning – and video game design (also something I’m not very qualified to comment on in many cases). I understand that cutting large swaths of previous work from the public record is probably unorthodox, but cutting superfluous drivel made me feel better, so it is what it is.
Anyway, what I realized through that process is that there are things that haven’t and likely won’t change about my writing: I will learn as I write, and write as I learn. The naivete displayed in several of my older posts is cringe-worthy at times, but I can’t promise that that will entirely disappear. The truth of the matter is that I am a person with many interests, but no mastery over any particular skill or subject. As such, it’s likely that this blog will continue to accurately reflect that amateurism; it is my hope that it will reflect growth as well.
I have left some of the “better” legacy posts public, but I don’t intend to reference them much in the future. They’re generally harmless, but they don’t interest me much anymore, in and of themselves. However, they’re some of the better examples of my writing on this blog and its predecessor, for what that’s worth. The huge gap between posts in 2011 and 2013 sort of creates its own dividing line, and I’m fairly satisfied with that.
There is absolutely nothing concrete in the queue for the near future. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have any goals for this blog; on the contrary: there are, in fact, clear goals: 1) for this blog to be a canvas on which to continue to improve my writing; 2) for me to be myself in my writing, rather than trying to follow the leads of other bloggers.
When I made my first couple of blogs, I did so in the rough image of other bloggers that I admired. As a blogging novice, this had its merits, but it also became stifling and uncomfortable, “square peg/round hole”-like. While I certainly made efforts to express myself, and those were genuine efforts, they were also misguided to some degree. I’d like to correct that to whatever extent I can during this go-round.
There is the potential for positive growth as a writer about different subjects here at this blog. How much I take advantage of that depends on many things, with the primary factors being my own drive, ethic, and imagination.
I will probably write too much about music in general, and certain artists (*ahem*) in particular. I will probably write amateurishly about sports… and, occasionally, about video games. I tend to get into streaks with certain topics, but I’m feeling some self acceptance in that regard.
In closing, this blog has no format (other than that I tend to write long posts…). It is not comprised of the writings of an expert on anything, or of anyone particularly talented. It’s just a blog, and a blogger striving to better his writing.
– – –
Hello, my friends.
Russ here. I’m back to check in with you all, after a long hiatus.
Back in early April of 2012, I published what turned out to be my final post here at Dischordant Forms. Not long thereafter, I decided to stop blogging here, and eventually I hid the site. (Some time before, I had also hidden my old blog, Sunmurma.) Shortly after that, I deactivated my Twitter account as well, and sort of dropped off the map as far as my little world here was concerned.
The reasons for doing so were in part because I simply wasn’t motivated to blog here, and in part because I was annoyed by the idea that a couple of certain persons from my real life could be reading my posts.
Obviously, a lot has happened in the past fifteen-plus months. Time has passed. Life tends to go on, obviously.
However, I am realizing now that in simply disappearing from Dischordant Forms, and Twitter – at least under my @Sunmurma handle – I cut myself off from a lot of people, including some who had become good friends online. As I get older, I’ve begun to see this as a mistake. Perhaps the whole exercise, or at least this part of it, was necessary for me. At the time, it seemed to be that way. And indeed, good things have happened in the past year-plus. But I should have been a better friend/blogger to my friends/readers.
It’s been a long time. As such, there are likely people who I’ve forgotten about, who might be interested in what I am doing now. I found a job last August, and I still play World of Warcraft. Due to financial constraints, I rarely buy new music now, but I’m also getting older and settling into something of a “when I was young” phase of music enjoyment… although, truth be told, a good portion of what I listen to is even older than me! I still love baseball, although I haven’t watched too much this season. I cannot wait for the football season, though… and I’ve generally been reading way too much about sports, constantly – that, at least, hasn’t changed!
My iMac died last summer, which left me so disgusted with Apple that I built my own PC for the first time in my life. That was an adventure, and I’ve been very happy with the results. I lost a ton of photos, though, which was my own fault. Since then, however, I haven’t been much for photography, for various reasons.
I started a brand new blog around the time that I stopped posting to this one. It is a World of Warcraft blog. It contains some of the best work I’ve ever done (in what will be five total years of blogging come next week… it’s hard for me to believe sometimes, but I started my first blog in August 2008!). It’s not all great writing, but I think I’ve written some pretty good stuff over there. It’s been a resoundingly positive experience, and I’ve gotten to know some awesome people through my writing and sharing on Twitter with them. And yes, I also have a Twitter account, different from the one I used to use when I regularly posted here.
At any rate, for those who are interested in adding another World of Warcraft blog to their bookmarks / feeds / etc., and/or in hitting me up on Twitter, I would like to invite you to shoot me an email.
It’s very easy: click the “Please, contact me!!” link at the bottom of this post – or the Contact Me tab at the top of the page – and let me know who you are (and how things are going!), your blog address if you have one, and/or your Twitter. Or just your email address: if you’re not using any of those formats and want to be in touch, I’d be more than happy to share my current blog address / Twitter handle with you.
Warning: It’s mainly WoW-related. Both the blog (of course) and my Twitter posts.
I’m not sure if I will be writing anything more here at Dischordant Forms. Looking back on earlier posts, I find them oddly unsatisfying. However, if I decide to write more general stuff, I may change my mind, or I may start yet another blog. If we’re in touch either by email or Twitter, that would certainly be something I could share with you down the road.
I think it’s important to stay in touch with the people we care about. I learned this the hard way recently in a situation with an online friend who I lost touch with and who I just found out may now be dead. It’s a terrible feeling… With that said, I’d like to apologize to anyone who cared about me or my writing, for wiping myself off the map like that.
Thanks for reading, and remember…
…if you like! 🙂
I was privileged last week to hear from one of my old friends that I met playing WoW a couple of years ago. He was, for a while, the leader of the guild that I joined in 2009, and we still keep in touch from time to time.
He and I are also Facebook friends, and I shot him a FB message a few nights ago. He responded with a text message to say hello, and then proceeded to let me know that someone I had known in WoW, and someone who used to be a personal friend of his, had died.
This person had led a guild that most of my former guild (the guild I was in when Icecrown Citadel was current) had been a part of during The Burning Crusade. There was a guild split due to several raid-team-based disagreements and personality conflicts, and after they split, I joined the splinter guild.
This is the guild I was a member of when I truly learned how to play WoW, got my first raiding and PvP experience with, and killed an expansion end-boss for the first time. In all, we were pretty successful during Wrath of the Lich King, and as far as I know, the old guild has floundered and struggled ever since the split.
I said a few paragraphs up that I had known the guy, but I really didn’t. While we had a few interactions, he was, to me, just the pally who led the old guild, the guy who caused the problems that caused the split, which occurred before I was in the picture. He was an acquaintance.
On the other hand, my old guild leader had known the guy personally, living in the same town and working at the same company. They had been friends up until around the time of the guild split, as far as I know, and then had lost touch for the most part.
He and his co-workers were shocked. Hearing about the death of someone you know is a mind-blowing experience, and he was doing what he could to find out details of how the guy died, although as far as I know he has had no success.
I was shocked too. Sometimes the idea that an in-game character is an actual person can make one think strange things, and one of the things I thought about in the hours after receiving the news was that this guy was dead, but his WoW characters still exist. They will never log in again. You can still look them up on the armory (for now, until six months of inactivity kicks in), but the progress has stopped for eternity. He has disappeared from the game.
Yes, it’s a weird set of thoughts, but they happened.
I had a similar set of thoughts once about a blogger that I followed. The guy was a young man just out of college who wrote a chess blog and was looking for a job. I followed the blog for several months when, one day, I read what became his last post. It said something to the effect that, “I’ve got a degree, but have been writing this blog without being able to find a a job for a year, and my parents are tired of me living here, and I don’t know what else to do. So this is goodbye.” It was eerie – blunt and final – and then that was it.
And with that, he disappeared into the ether, for all intents and purposes.
I read his post weeks after he wrote it – this was at a time when I had several hundred unread posts in my reader – and it was haunting. Where did the guy go? Is he still alive? Did he eventually find a job and a place to live? The negative possibilities scared me, given what he said when he stopped blogging. They bother me to this day.
Anyway… back to my friend’s former WoW-playing friend.
I thought about other things, too. I thought about how my friend may be feeling, wondering if he wishes that he could have rebuilt that bridge. I know from conversations that we’ve had that he was concerned for the guy – he had lost his job, was 40 years old, and was living with his parents. He was into drugs, etc. And now he’s gone, and there’s no going back from that, in so many ways. No way to bring him back, no way to mend fences, no way to make a difference in the guy’s life.
I also thought about how the guy had spent the last few years of his life just playing the game every single day. He didn’t have an occupation, wasn’t married, didn’t have much of a social life. Working his way towards nothing. Not bettering himself.
* * *
I’ve tried to let some of his former guild-mates know what happened – I have a couple of other friends who knew him, and I knew they would want to know. It kind of freaked me out, and the responses I’ve gotten have been similar to my own. I didn’t know the guy, but I’m still saddened by his death, sad for his family and friends, and for him.
I know this piece rambles a bit – hopefully it’s somewhat coherent. Feel free to leave a comment if you have something to share. If you have a blog and haven’t posted for a while, I’d like to encourage you to write a short post and let your readers/followers know that you’re still around. Sometimes people complain about “sorry I haven’t blogged, but I’ve been busy/bored/uninspired” posts, so don’t make it an apology post – just write in to say hello, tell us something that you’re working on or something funny that happened to you recently. Chances are, there is someone out there that will be happy to know what you have to say.
Also, now is never a bad time to call or write to someone you haven’t communicated with in a while.
Thanks for reading.